So I just got finished unleashing the furies of my bowels when I became suddenly aware of, while I was pushing with the might of Zeus, a very unfortunate fact. I was relegated to one square of wiping cleanliness. Ever run into this problem? Obviously not because you are probably in a country that actually stocks toilet paper. Sometimes I really have to shake my head and wonder of all the cheap they could think of, was toilet paper seriously an expense they want to cut back on? I should probably go shake everybody’s hand after shitting all over the place like an un-toilet trained monkey, but even I reel at this little fact. At least in a place like Japan they recognize the cold hard fact that everybody must take a shitty time and hand out free small packets of tissues advertising seductive-soapland-happy endings-meloveyoulongtime locale’s that cater to loaded otaku’s with a fetish for tightly dressed latex women that lie in bed like a dead fish while they drool over her like a retard while using strange foreplay methods that make them pre-maturely ejaculate. Well there is no such luxury here because frankly Koreans are too cheap for that shit. Which is why I would like you to imagine me shitting in a stall, mid-squat accidently punching a hole through the one square of precious toilet paper and then thinking FUCCKCKCKCKCKCKCKC, immediately followed by ewww gross….I think I feel a nugget… Neways, this is followed by my olfactory sense being assaulted by a mixture of my own feces and the dude before me that left very aesthetically pleasing shit specks all over the porcelain urinal. If you haven’t lost your morning breakfast, lunch and dinner from reading this, we’re just getting started.
After triple checking that I haven’t just shit all over my own pants and ensuring that I don’t leave skid-marks the size of the grand canyon all over my boxers, I promptly adjust myself, check once more that I haven’t shit on myself nor left piss stains the size of texas on my trousers, adjust 12 incher again and then finally zip up my pants feeling like I have just won the special Olympics for not making a boo-boo on my pants. Every shit is an adventure in Korea!
Ah, but to the uninitiated, the full picture has not been drawn. Since when have there. So the Korean’s enjoyed shitting in holes so much, when their economy turned less shitty and they could go from living underground into wooden shacks and finally to ultra compact tiny ass fucking rooms with a family in it, they couldn’t lose the sentimentality of well… shitting in a hole. And thus the squatting toilet was born, yes I just said it. Hence we have now come to an impasse where we have to specify “Western Toilet.” Unfortunately for me, there is a grand total of one men’s bathroom where I work and they all happen to be of one style. Which is where the history of Kung Fu is passionately intertwined with this. Furthermore, light has been shed on where the mighty horse stance has come about. The story goes something like this:
One day master Wang was in a hurry.
“Ah master what is wrong?”
“You fucking idiot move out of the way.”
“But master today you promised to train me in the ways of the Man…”
“Shut the fuck up you insolent twat I need to shit.”
“Ah forgive me master, I thought your expression was one of great chi mastery.”
“Don’t lecture me on chi you idiot, shut the fuck up so I can shit.”
“Ah but master I thought this was a way of training the turtle peeks out?”
“If I have to listen to anymore of your shit, I will shit in your mouth okay.”
“I would be honored.”
My Kung Fu is becoming stronger daily as I sink lower and lower telling myself to master the horse stance and one day shit standing up. Damn I’m a baller.
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