6:55 PM Captain obvious announces over the loud speaker the time, weather…blahblahblah Singapore stewardess sits at her “landing station” in her Macarana-esque dancing form fitting outfit. Reminds me of Enrique Englasies’s hit single Tonight we Dance. Strangely arousing, passion of the loins begins to tingle until I realize that the seat belt she is wearing is vastly superior to my own(like a cockpit pilot), doesn’t my life count too? Maybe on business class I’ll get an inflatable seatbelt…
7:05 PM Having been the good Samaritan on the plane, I had traded places with some old dude.
Pros: The seat next to me was empty meaning other dude doing something crazy like actually flying to Singapore(who does that on Singapore Airlines) and I use Mr. Lost Profit’s seat as extra baggage/blanket and tray space. Poor sucker got to sit next to his wife…
Cons: I realize I’m way far away from my carry-on, so I sit there twiddling my thumbs and sweating like an idiot with his coat on because he planned for an early exit. I’m impatient guy, time waits for me. Annoyance and jealously meter builds up as I see other passengers obtain their carry-on’s with ease, they were good at playing Simon Says and did the ridiculous thing of sitting in assigned seats. Corporate Suites and Borg Drones, Fuckem. I didn’t even get window seats boo-hoo.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spy hot Korean chick, who I make eye-contact with for a split second before being relegated to friend zone.
7:15PM I take my first couple steps into foreign lands, I do what Columbus probably did when he first set foot into the new world, ran like a bitch to the nearest toilet and took an EPIK PISS(see wut I did there).
7:20PM Looking progressively lost in this cavernous deserted hell…I mean airport known as Incheon terminal I finally spot hot Korean chick again and begin to stalk her. She gets on a tram, I hesitate for a moment as everyone else runs on, a quick question to rent-a-cop ensures that I was just being a silly goose and that the tram takes you to the MAIN TERMINAL where living life forms are said to reside. In hindsight(always a bitch) of all the traffic to the great Mecca of Korea, they decided it was necessary to have fancy trams to take you from empty terminal to…EMPTY TERMINAL. I spy hot Korean girl again, she is talking on the phone and my balls shrink in the washer.
7:30PM I run through customs like a stupid foreigner. Although the booth is clearly labeled as foreigner, the lady staffing the desk proceeds to blurt out Korean before I give her the Asian ‘I’m a retard’ look. She takes pity and stamps my passport.
7:45PM I feel fat and I’m sweating under the sports blazer I’m wearing, damn my Asian ingenuity and wearing an extra jacket to reduce weight. BTW I’ve brought too much shit, someone please steal from me now… I pay in kind for having to carry two large suite cases and a carry-on. I sweat some more and begin feeling insecure. No one else carries my burden, I am alone. Hot Korean Girl has disappeared; I’m left to stare at mediocre Korean Girl. My Penis is sad.
Suit cases come now.
I must now declare some shit.
Why is Haiku Hard.
7:50PM It briefly flashes through my mind that I should be a boy scout and declare the Swiss Army Knife that I have brought with me. Thoughts of those Korean movies with their gangsters and pimps flash through my mind, I realize I might have to shank a motherfucker one day and declare I have no narcotics shoved up my anus. All goes well, I like Korea already.
7:52PM I walk out the door into what seems like an air conditioned room, O wait I’m wearing a jacket. I scan for my name amongst the crowd hoping that I’m not severely fucked. Turns out I’m more disappointed by the poorly sharpied ‘Johnathan’ and the fact that the person holding it has a penis. Surprise.
8:05PM Old dude has killed a tree for my benefit, I follow him as he gives a giggle over a man having more than one suitcase, I giggle because he actually rented one of those stupid $1 carts to push my shit 5 feet, hint : there are two of us and they have wheels dude. In car we drive, he respect Korea Pride, we say nothing. He points at the GPS meter like a monkey, I ‘Ooh’ ‘Aah’ like a female Chimpanzee being fellated. I quickly come to realize that the holy 65 is about sacred as slaughtering lambs in front of Jesus as various cars blaze past us at 130, guess what we were going at. After literally passing through five toll booths, we may have arrived at my grungy destination. After getting lost in this fantastic alley way maze, he finally gets out and asks for directions. He busts out ‘wait here Jon’ I say wait…shit I don’t know your name… We are like blood brothers, he has been my spiritual guide in this sparkling ghetto. I hope I don’t have to pay the cab fare…
8:30PM I am dropped off with what appears to be a slightly more knowledgeable man. Just kidding. He greets me in Korean, I say sorry I Weetaded. After all, who waits for the new foreign teacher to arrive when you aren’t being paid, silly rabbits.
What is about to ensue is like a scene straight from Le Femme Nikita, Besson’s one of two non-shithouse films. I walk into the house, my blood brother and new dude in a yellow jump suit argue boisterously(talk) about the current predicament. They couldn’t fool me because it sounded like I fucked up big time, they were calling a cleaner for my ass. After ten(three) phone calls, the first being my agent, telling me well… nothing cause he’s already banked off my ass and the next being her. It was the principal. In her uncannily manish voice she begins telling me that I was alone, confused and afraid. I am? Mid-way in her trance I can no longer tell whether I was speaking with a “woman” or a tranny cyborg with a peg leg. I began chanting “Eat Kimchi, Eat Kimchi”, where’s my knife?
First impression is good, demonstrated ability to make complete sentences… O wait saying ‘Oh Ok’ in unconvincing intervals doesn’t mean jack shit. First impression check. The conversation is semi-fruitful omitting the fact that she wanted me to role play as Paul Walker in Running Scared. My circular logic abilities fail me as I have yet to figure out who the fuck guy in yellow jump suit is… perhaps this is for serious. Guy in yellow jump suit finally give me his name when I ask and makes a heroic Robinson Caruso-like effort at pointing out how my apartment works, light switches, thermostat and… more light switches. His pride has been salvaged and my chance to read a semi-coherent English letter has arrived. I giggle.
“I will come to see you on Saturday afternoon if possible. Then I will try to touch you in any way.”
Yellow Jump Suit is still outside fretting in Korean, no worries I was not about to strangle myself with a lamp light until three months in minimum. In other news, I’m an asshole… For serious though, at least they care enough to go through all this trouble to accommodate me. We’ll see how much they hate me in a month.
To Be Continued...
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